Why Traditional Discipline Is Not Applicable to Some Children and What Parents Can Try

For many parents, it seems like no matter what they try, their discipline never actually works on a child. The child loses some privileges, they sit in the time-out, or parents give them a lecture, but then the same issue appears again after a couple of days. It feels like nothing ever sticks, and, indeed, sometimes it can feel exhausting.

It is not a secret that conventional discipline is quite limited in its scope of applicability. While for many children this technique can be quite effective, for others it might be not only inefficient but also potentially harmful.

Conventional Discipline’s Assumptions about a Child’s Behaviour

Usually, conventional discipline is built on an assumption that if a child misbehaves, they know what they did wrong, and the consequences teach them not to do it again. However, the reality is that many children not only don’t understand what is going on, but they also cannot do otherwise because of some other issues. For example, a child who is distressed while being in the shopping centre probably cannot understand that something is going wrong.

Why a Child’s Behaviour Is Always Communication

The crucial thing that any parent must realise is that each behaviour is communication. Any action, regardless of whether it is positive or negative, serves the purpose, and the child usually uses it for a certain reason. A child who refuses to leave the house because of a new schedule usually experiences some anxiety about the future. A child who hits their parents, maybe, cannot find proper words to express their thoughts.

It is crucial to understand the function of the behaviour before trying to change it, as conventional methods of doing it are ineffective here. An approach based on positive behaviour support starts with understanding why something happened and then chooses a strategy to address it. That way, the perspective of parents changes from stopping problematic behaviour to discovering its meaning.

How Punishment and Consequences Are Effective

There is a widespread professional agreement that punishment and consequences are not effective when a child is dysregulated, has problems with regulation of emotions, or hasn’t learned the skills to behave differently. Punishing in such circumstances won’t teach anything; it can confuse a child even more.

It is not necessary to abandon all expectations and limits. There is another way to make a child learn how to behave differently – to provide him/her with proper assistance before he/she can do that independently. This idea is called co-regulation and is widely applied within child development.

Practical Changes that Will Help You

Parents do not need to completely change their usual ways of interaction with a child. However, making small but consistent changes, parents will achieve results. First of all, it is possible to create some visual schedules to reduce stress related to changes. Parents can calmly narrate their emotions to teach a child to describe them. Also, parents can offer limited and concrete options that will make a child feel control without giving him/her opportunities to negotiate.

Strategies that are applied before the problematic behaviour will prove to be more effective than the ones that are reactive. For example, if a child constantly has problems in some place or at some time of the day, parents can adjust their schedule to help a child.

When Professional Assistance Is Needed

Sometimes parents try all techniques they know, and still their efforts are fruitless and the child’s behaviour is difficult. In that case, the family might need some professional assistance. This kind of consultation helps to develop an individual strategy to deal with a child’s needs and their behaviours.

This kind of assistance will help parents to create an approach specifically developed for a particular child and his/her environment. This approach will help to find the solution for problematic behaviour of a child which is individual and appropriate for the particular situation.

Different Perspective on Parenting

Discipline is not always bad, but it certainly has its limits. For children that cannot be reached through conventional means, it can be frustrating for both the parent and the child. The more important question to ask is seldom “What is the appropriate punishment for that?” and more often, “What does the child need to do better next time?”

This new approach, one based on curiosity and not punishment, is where the true progress begins. It needs patience, and it needs the parent to remain calm even in difficult situations. But those parents that make this transition can witness amazing changes both in the behaviour of their children and in their relationships.